just me

2010-01-08T01:49:00.001+08:00

unemployment is the worst feeling you can get out of life.

and it's made worse with the one-every-few-days shouting.no,quarelling.and my brother ain't helping either.

not to mention my body clock is crazily screwed up so i'm not losing any weight.

my life is at its worst.it can't get worse.

2009-12-30T13:48:00.002+08:00

~~this is not how it is supposed to be.i'm still interested in the things happening to you,yet every ounce of whatever shit feeling i had is long gone.~~
-
6H gathering later.it's been years since majority of the class got together.looking forward to it.

right now i've got a scar ont he top of my lip and on my left apple cheek:/

o wells life ain't a bed of roses.

2009-12-28T23:10:00.002+08:00

i wanna dye my hair a lighter brown.i'm not kidding my hair looks absolutely natural;it's only 1% lighter than my original hair colour.

grah.

and i need to finally get that curling iron.and pray that the zit on the top of my lip won't leave a scar after i intentionally pop by accident.ha.
-
i wanna get hired.like now.

2009-12-27T13:55:00.002+08:00

click here for the photos from my trip

it's only part of the collection,but i can't be bothered to upload the rest because it's mainly scenery.taken by my brother.

if anything came out good from this trip,it would be that my jawline can finally be seen.haha.

yoksan loved then present i got for her.and thanks for your belated birthday and christmas gift,dear!
-
growing up is an excruciating process.provided that you stay true to being a kid.

fresh start.

2009-12-25T02:20:00.002+08:00

back from the trip.blessed christmas.

just created another blog with tumblr.not for private purposes though.it's for my future blogskins.for now,the new blog is simple,plain and very unnoticeable.i'll have to figure out the codes for a bit before i can start blogskinning.

will be creating a new account for blogskins.

currently waiting for the MOE to approve my application to be a relief teacher(i know i know,but the pay ain't bad).first time looking for a job and i've no idea how to write resumes because kids of my age are supposed to look for retail jobs,which i don't like to do.hopefully MOE allows me to be a relief teacher(they only process applications on working days,and it is obvious that this week is christmas week)so i can keep a good distance away from the kind of job nearly everyone my age is doing.

i should have went for the job attachment.

as for resumes,i have all the time in university to learn how to write that,and CV.for now,apart from praying that i get to be a relief teacher,i'm praying that i score well(by well,i mean VERY well)in my 'A' level so i can secure a scholarship or something that can finance my laptop,my tuition fees,part of my school fees,and hopefully basic fees such as air tickets if i join some exchange programmes.parents have no CPF so their savings is all they've got for retirement.and on top of me going to university,they have to pay for my brother's poly education.i just wish the government made it free for every child to study up to secondary school,then subsidise school fees in tertiary institutions.

in the mean time,while waiting for my approval(so that i can apply for another job immediately if i fail),i'm intending to make blogskins again.first for this blog,then for the new one(i cannot figure the wierd codes on wretch),and then for the oh-so-loved blogskins website.hopefully i can create a good reputation for doing nice work and maybe,just maybe,i can sell my works,like say create a wholly customised blogskin for a small fee.crazy,but workable,provided i persevere.

issues with sticking-one-of-my-feet-into-the-real-world aside,can you believe how much more we are paying for certain things in singapore?

we all know the basic chain of retail,best represented using food.refresh: farmer plants food,gets paid a miniscule sum of money for 1 kg of grain.buyer sends grain to be packaged and stuff like that,and gets paid 5 times the amount he paid for the grain.second buyer(usually big big companies) distribute grain to areas who desparately need it,and jacks up the price.the people pay like 10 times the cost.

boring,but we all know this stupid system.but knowing is one thing,experiencing it is another.

before my trip i fell in love with this pair of headphones(mentioned in earlier posts)-chocolatey-coloured,and looks like a button-which costs S$58.seemed a little pricey when compared to others not-as-nice-looking-but-equally-good-quality headphones that cost around S$30 average.

i went to china,hoping to find the headphones i love so much(after all,around 90% of goods in singapore are MIC) at a cheaper price.on the second last day of my stay,i found it,sitting next to its fellow pearl white button headphones,nicely tucked into a mess of merchandise whereby at least half of them infringes copyright.

i bought the headphones.i swear it's not a fake.and it is definitely much cheaper.by that,i mean a whole lot cheaper.

my brother paid(yes i know i'll not bully my brother too much until he starts poly)RMB30 for it,which is around S$6.

yes,it's 6 bucks in prc vs 58 bucks in sg.

the difference is not just apparent.it's VERY apparent.the singapore price is approximately 10 times the price in the production place.

man oh man.no wonder i feel so poor in singapore.

this means i must work harder to earn money and start to help provide for the family.poly education alone is not cheap,but still manageable.university education alone is a little bit pricey,but we can still make ends meet.put the two together....i wish that the salary for the parliamentary members would stop rising and start to go back to the level it should be(which is lower than their current salary)and provide more financial help to people who are obviously not well off but are not poor enough to apply for financial aids.

enough complains.it is christmas.

i'm wierd cos i hate goodbye.

2009-12-07T12:23:00.003+08:00

6.12.2009
last time the UN clique of 08s03 is meeting up.priyanka came to meet us at cck t give us gifts and then she's off.

failed shot.haha short people should not stand at the back.

failed again.i forgot to countdown.

finally.

haha then we bought the stuff needed to make steamboat and we head off to yee2's house.

"say cheese!"

anh pretending to be a virtuous girl.haha.

i think i look better without the face:/

food ready to go for a dip in the hot spring!

posing with food.

yayness.

set the table.and take photos!

look at my nails<3 src="http://i115.photobucket.com/albums/n298/i_rox_2006/030.jpg" height="180" width="240">

we felt like camwhoring with food and so before yee2 joined us at the table...

practice shot 1.

shot 2.

failed!

success!

anh trying to do a facial.

full pot!

burnt!i wonder how.

after much stuffing and shoving the food into our bodies...

99% done.

cleaned the plates out!

we resolved to keep away from fishcakes for a month.

then helping yee2 with prom stuff.

posing with her dog.

anh doing what she does best.

then my pre-18 celebrations!

strawberry cake!

fugly pictures of me with my mouth looking open.

the cut cake.

look!it's 3 pieces of cake!

thanks for the gift!they remembered what i used to say casually!!!
*touched*

many shots of the gift.

cake time!

the lost Singa.haha.

priyanka's gift for me^^

was around 9 when it all ended.went back home.my new gladiators was found out.
-
then the edusave thing came in.the stupid deadline was the 3rd.dad settled it this morning.i hope i can still get the $$.haha(i guess?)

starting to pack for the trip like finally.will put up pictures soon.

2009-12-04T11:44:00.002+08:00

for some reason,i feel empty.i guess it's the sudden freedom that i've acquired,for right now i'm rotting away,slowly.it's excruciating.

going to visit the juniors today.for some reason i'm unsettled,unnerved.there's no explanation i could provide,which is unusual for i tend to be able to rationalise all irrational things.

is it because i know i don't look the same?or that...that person?or am i just plain nervous about meeting people i just...don't really know after so long?

grah.i worry too much.

6 more days

2009-12-03T19:42:00.002+08:00

and i'm off for china!!!!

blogging from yee2's house.haha.finally anh found a dress that suits her requirements.purple,but cost more than she expected.hope she can find a pair of cheap but nice shoes.haha.

the dark choc dye seems like my natural hair,except that it's more brown under light.haha.at this rate my mother will never find out that dye my hair.haha.and my borther is super happy with his L4D 2,as it completely satifiy his craving for gore and violence.it's M18 by the way.

got used to having contact lens finally.but not so sure if i can wear them for so long in china.it's winter after all and damn bloody dry.

shopping list for china trip:
-bags(1 large 1 small.haha.)
-heels.
-and whatever i feel like on that day.haha.

can't be bothered to think any more.

2009-12-02T01:01:00.002+08:00

yay school's finally out adn over!officially too!dinner at aston's.my camera hanged on me so i've only a few pictures left.

look at priyanka's eyes.

waiting for our food.

food!!!!

class photo.

nice try,pri.

camwhoring.haha.
-

random shot.the shadow of the window is cast on the wall:3

2009-11-28T00:20:00.002+08:00

for some reason mozilla seems to dislike my coding.apart from screwing my links up,it screwed my blogsong up too.

anyway there's this mad cute game called "Music Pets" on facebook now and i'm so in love with it.and i found nice songs!happiness for me.

still farming.my farm looks as if it exists.really.maybe not the reindeer part but generally it exists.i swear i swear.

went trekking today at the Mt Faber area.it rained but we were lucky to reach shelter before we got wet.it's one of my more fruitful outings i guess.work is done.literally.

my spectacle frame failed,so i got a new one.it's the geekish kind i've always been wanting to get.got my lens solution for my contact lens too.but the lens have yet to arrive.so much for astigmatism.

A levels is almost over!only one more paper.i guess that's why i'm looking forward to so many things.

:/

2009-11-25T17:17:00.002+08:00

i'm happy.then i'm not.

not because something happened to me.but because something happened to someone around me.

shall not elaborate.but if you happen to read this,cheer up.we're here for you.
-
decided to not blog about what i had intended to on the other blog.in fact i shall let it rot.and decompose.

speaking of decompose,let me tell you an old joke.

beethoven died.so the townspeople buried him in a nice,big plot of land in the middle of the graveyard.
but one night,as the caretaker wlked past his tombstone,he heard an eerie sound coming from beethoven's grave.
afraid,he asked his family to check if he's hearing things.turns out,he wasn't.
the news spread and soon the whole town was gathered around beethoven's grave,trying to figure it out.
the mayor arrived and listened.the townsmen held their breath as they waited for the mayor to respond.
the mayor frowned,then turned to the town and said,"Everything's fine.He is just decomposing."
baffled,the people asked,"how do you know?"
the mayor said,"well,he's playing Symphony No.5 backwards."

ok it's not that funny.sigh.

anyway,i'm still going to slim down.alot alot alot alot.for many many many reasons.

am looking forward to next monday.i'll try to not tear my entry proof.
-
we might still go to HK after all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:3
-
i fell in love with the chocolate-coloured button headphones.

but it costs $58............................drats.
-
debt-free in 2 weeks.yayness?
-

:3 again

2009-11-22T23:33:00.003+08:00

man oh man i'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm gonna get contact lens soon!!haha.like finally after 2 years of waking up at 0500 daily i no longer feel drained!not any more!

and plus plus plus,i've sold my ligature to zachary,whom i know will take good care of it.and i'm selling my GC!both at unreasonably low prices,but hey i can't expect any better judging from the condition of both things.
-
revamping everything soon.i'm going to slim down alot^^.

:3

2009-11-20T13:44:00.000+08:00

i'm a happy girl.

randomised.

2009-11-19T09:52:00.002+08:00

after today,8 papers down,3 more to go.
-
:3owl city.
-
I thank God for the strength and peace He has granted me.
-
i can't wait.for everything to happen.

2009-11-17T16:59:00.002+08:00

things i want to do:
-revamp both blogs.
-get a meaningful job.
-slim down!(with the help of one of my blogs.)
-grow my hair.
-grow up.literally.
-recipes recipes recipes...
-nails nails nails nails...
-nus nus nus nus...
-go out.

things i am doing:
-selling my ligature.
-finishing 'A' levels.
-throwing away my notes instead of burning them for the love for Mother Earth.
-blogging.
-breathing.

:3

2009-11-16T09:43:00.002+08:00

4 more papers to go.

this means in a month's time starting from the end of november,my other blog will be revived.hopefully there would be readers.haha.

i'm thinking of changing the layout of this blog.in fact i've everything thought out-the pictures,the codes...but there's one thing i need-PHOTOSHOP.

but the program is bloody expensive and i only need for the brushes for i do not photoshop photos because it is a super tedious process.grah.

my new piercing is adapting fine,and it no longer hurts.as in the stinging sort if i go and touch it for fun.haha.
-
need to lose fat.

2009-11-08T17:24:00.002+08:00

i know i didn't study much,but i'm feeling calm.like nothing big is there tomorrow.

today is just like any other day.except that i'm reading through what i already know and finding out if there are gaps in what i know so i can prepared for tomorrow's examination.

first person in class to take a paper.at least my geography doesn't clash with one of the big subjects,like physics per se.

obviously i did not slim down in any way,and i'm counting on stress and more regular meals once the big A's start.i'm binging all over again,and there's no such thing as a proper meal anymore.lols.

and i've my plans all laid out,starting from tomorrow.

i know He'll give me the strength i need to go through this period of time,and i look forward to each paper and lift everything into His hands.
-
i hope the ice is breaking soon.
-
i'll revamp my other blog.i will i will i will.
-

things i cannot say

2009-11-01T15:46:00.001+08:00

either i'm having an allergy,or a bad outburst of rashes,or i just shouldn't sleep on the floor.
-
i need to know everything is alright,that this will end,and i can sleep on my bed again.

2009-10-28T16:13:00.002+08:00

it's into the 4th day,and i'm surprised i've no bruises.at all.

for now.
-
countdown.

11 days more.

i should stop farming and cooking and even be online.

hiatus hiatus hiatus~~~

if i kissed you

2009-10-24T19:12:00.002+08:00

a song that never fails to cheer me up.

but i'm still sorry for making timtay transferring all the corrine may songs he has into the sharing folder for mine has disappeared.

yeap,it has VANISHED.into thin bytes.haha.
-
another lazy day that just spells the wonders of life.how a day so lazy and unproductive is the most lovely one.even if the temperatures run high.

downloading corrine may's songs.whatever i didn't download previously.haha i love her voice and songs.brings light in times of darkness.
-
darkness.ha.
-
i remember myself being more carefree and fearless in the past,where everything around me was either black or white,left or right,and i was the only uncertainty.

but as years pass,i'm acting less mature even though my thinking has matured.

i'm more emotional,and even though i still contain most of my emotions within me,bottling them up for good,when i am allowed an outlet to let them go,the way i let them out has become more...dramatic i would say.

it's no longer just a pure outburst of emotions like it used to be;it's a dramatic outburst crying "i'm hurt please take notice of me."

something i swore i'll never do since...10.

but i'm doing it anyway.it's irritating me,but there's two of me and the drama queen in me seemed to have awokened.

i miss the past.i miss being...me.i hate the person i am now,it's no longer...me.

i'm actually an introvert,and i love books and music and i love to walk in nice gardens or parks in the warm lovely sun.and i'm sort of a hippie;i dislike conflicts and i do advocate world peace.not the "there-should-be-no-war" sort of peace,but the equilibrium sort,where everything is in its own place doing what should be done and no one crosses the line knowing that such an act would bring forth doom to people's lives.

i like flowers and plants and animals and i dislike socialising for the sake of a bright future.i'd rather socialise for lifelong friends,the kind where we share troubles and joys and knowing that they are just there can bring a smile to my face and i never have to worry about them betraying me or anything of that sort.

and they like me for who i am.

but reality is very different.this other me has taken control of the way i act.right now,to most people,i'm an extrovert and i'm sort of crazy and i'm just pure irritating because i'm threatening people in certain ways.in simpler words,i'm too smart and noisy for my own good.

and the friends i've made are all not as simple as i've hoped for them to be.some has an agenda,some are just.......

double-faced.

and some are friends i would love to have but we aren't due to many many hindrances and stupid reasons that should never have been there in the first place.like the excuse i gave myself-"they won't like me anyway."

and then there are friends who just....suddenly change.and put words into my mouth.or just think of me in a different light suddenly.and that i should conform to their "new way of life/thinking" and be part of the crowd.the majority.

and i've failed to show my hippie side.damnation.

the only thing the two selves have in common is the dislike to have to socialise to be accepted.as a mean to an end.

and the real character is now hidden,and could only be expressed through words.it's like...there's no place for either of my selves but it's better to be the noisy one than the hippie quiet for at least the noisy one is more similar to the rest of the stupid crowd.

i hate the crowd.i hate being part of the uniform crowd.
-
can anyone pull me from the gorge i've fallen into?
-
i know yoksan's trying,but sorry dear there's only so much you can do.
-
the world should be less judgemental,less prejudiced,less uniform and more accepting.

bound.

2009-10-20T21:13:00.002+08:00

to life.for life.
-
it's 5 days past farewell assembly.and after a long weekend,i'm beginning to get work done.that's news.

i can't help but reminisce the times where good results come effortlessly and the fact that i know i can do extremely well,like the top 5% that sort of well if i put in some hardwork.like how i managed to somehow score 255 for PSLE without studying at all,and how i manage to pull of 11 points for L1R5 for the O's.

then there's something call the 'A' levels.

i tell myself nothing worse than a B.but can i?within such a short time?

well,i know i'm bound for it.at least i cleaned my room.that's a start,for without a conducive environment i can forget about doing anything productive.

oh,and life's full of surprises.because of convenience ,we're not going to hongkong and the whole trip will only last 2 weeks.good enough for me,but then we don't get much chances to go overseas and anything we've paid for the trip is mainly on the tickets,so...

i admit.i'm disappointed.

very disappointed.

but that's life.and we're moving on.plus 2 weeks and 1 place less isn't going to kill me.haha.

now for the A's.i don't even know what i'm doing.
-
L.O.S.T. H.E.L.P.

finally.

2009-10-16T00:01:00.002+08:00

everything's over.everything.no more arguments with bryan,no more messing of timtay's hair,no more of seeing the reaction of the j1s when they realised that i cut my fringe.

that's the section side.but more importantly the class is finally like a class.we've come a long way,but we've never really bonded until the past 2 terms,and i'm sorry it's past so fast.too darn fast.

but i'm not sorry for the wonderful memories we have^^.

10 years down the road,i'll look forward to reunions.

finally.
-
by the way,my farm's doing great.

wonderful life

2009-10-13T23:44:00.002+08:00

life is great.

i've found a new pastime,rather new pastimes which i enjoy.a lot.facebook games never had a lasting effect on me,except for farmville.& i got my brother started on it too.haha.

and there's running.i didn't run today because the stretch that i run is not very safe when it turns dark,but not running for a day won't do much harm.

so my timetable after the farewell assembly will be to study,farm,run,eat and sleep.with occasional breaks by going out^^

and i should consider doing some other form of exercise apart from running.for one reason,I WANT TO BE TANNED!!!haha.

oh,and i've finally pon school once.haha and i don't feel guilty for it(for i usually would) since it's just gp.would most likely be ponning gp tomorrow.something abut helen goh makes me feel that my english sucks.even though it doesn't(and casey leong has given me a lot of confidence in my linguistic skills^^i miss the guy.)i guess it's just her.

farewell in 2 days time,birthday in 2 months.more importantly,the big A's in less than a a month.i'll do well.i know i would.i've blessings from everywhere.
-
get me beard papa puffs.i'm in love with it.

2009-10-05T16:13:00.002+08:00

it would have been like any mundane day today,but it isn't.

first i got my certificate for my SMO honorable mention(haha and i did not so well for 'A' level math).realised i was the only girl to achieve something for mathematics-related competition(s).

then we got back our gp mock paper 1.scored alright(i miss casey~)but was very proud of my language mark.13!and it's pure simple english which zhengzhi says it sounds chim due to the phrasing.

got back geography results as well.did average,but my DRQ alone is A,and i'm very happy for that.just need to work on my essay now,especially for physical geography,since my only problem with econs geog is that i tend to write off tangent.

so,to reward myself,i pierced a hole in my ear again!this time at the bone.sort of like self-mutilation in small dosages haha.

and i'm very sorry to yoksan for tempting her to get one too due to my constant discussion about it.i'm very very sorry.love.

and sorry idris for ps-ing you but i think it's a good thing you didn't come with me.because you won't be able to tell if it's painful from my pretty emotionless face.
-
what is happiness?

2009-09-26T23:59:00.002+08:00

another post.before i go to bed.

just trying to feel more secure with myself.to tell the truth,i feel very very ignored right now,like i'm not important at all.

have been online for some time(actually,a few hours)and all i've accomplished is a blog post,a conversation with zhiyi,facebook(mousehunt and 2 quizzes) and a bit of mahjong(upon my mother's insistence).

am i bad material as a friend?

why don't people talk to me?

:((
-
and one more brick is added to the wall.with every brick,she's a bit further from the rest of the world,and it just becomes harder to notice her.

but no one cared if they could see her,for she's not of their concern.

2009-09-26T19:05:00.002+08:00

went out today.

original plan:to eat,to STUDY,and to talk.
actual event:ate,talked,and WALKED.

the two of us are just too spontaneous.and we can't seem to get rid of our hobby of walking.and talking all sorts of things.

list of things we have talked about:
.religion
.love
.family
.friends
.studies
.emotional strength & growth
.mental strength
.social issues(of all sorts)
.the happy things
.the not-so-happy things
.how we came to be friends

and the last point never fail to amaze us:]

but today,it was on what we are going to do about the friendships we are losing.

to be more explicit,we still want our friends to be our friends,and we don't want to lose them.but it's like....these/this friend(s) don't/doesn't seem to care about us-whether we care about him/them,whether we are hurt or not-and everything is wrong.terribly wrong.

right now i just wonder if all this is meant to be.like....is this a test of our friendship from you-know-who(not voldermort) and if one party fails,that's the end of it?

i don't know.i've lost alot.some due to my wierd personality,but some of them....i'm not even sure if they were supposed to end.period.

for now,i'm glad i still have yoksan,no matter how different we are.personality,character,likes and dislikes...

it's amazing how fate brought us together,and how we made it work.

so why can't it work out with other people?

first him,then him,then...

and the list goes on.and on.and on.it never ends.

and it probably never will.to infinity and beyond!~

:]

never mind.i still have many things to live for and to die for.

2009-09-22T16:19:00.002+08:00

average news,pleasant news,and delightful news.

average news: due to my many careless errors,instead of getting a 45 for chemistry paper 2,i scored 40.5.and i scored only 19 out of 40 for physics paper 1.

pleasant news: i've shown improvement in physics paper 2 by scoring 37 out of 60,and assuming i made no careless mistakes, i should have scored a 40 at least.

delightful news: scored 122(a merit) for my grade 8 piano examination.i've heard many people say that it is very diffcult to pass grade 8 piano examination in one shot,let alone score better than a pass,so either im good,or they've lowered the bar.either way,a cause for celebration!
-
real.ity.

2009-09-18T10:36:00.002+08:00

time flew,flies,and will continue flying.

it still amazes me how something so intangible and abstract can define and control our lives to such an extent.

in a few hours,prelims would have ended,i would have gotten my piano results(bad feeling about this,probably failed...)and a long weekend awaits.

a long weekend for the final rejuvenation before i bury myself with work and revision and more relaxation.haha.

soon we'll be left alone to revise for ourselves.bad feeling about this because i know i can't pull this off with good results like the 'O' levels without studying at all.

need to make study trips to the library;school's too far.and 4 weeks will vanish in the blink of an eye and it's the 'A' levels .9 november.and the rest of the month would be spent on taking exams and wrapping up loose ends in revision.

and 1 december,a new life awaits.carefree-no band,no studies-and of course,being me all over again,this time without the music that took up the past 6 years of my life,the most colourful part,or it was supposed to be.

and then time will fly again and 'A' level results day will come in a flash followed immediately by the SAB concert.girlf and i have made plans haha.

i guess,my time management skills are put to the test for real this time.
-
i just wish time would take a break and stop flying,so i can get it to cooperate with me and not the other way round.

2009-09-14T10:51:00.003+08:00

last week of prelims.

the only subject that still gives me that dreadful feeling i'll fail(yet again) is mathematics.despite me putting in more effort in this particular subject than any other (even though geography was,at that point of time,more "dangerous" so-called than my mathematics).

even if i score full marks for statistics(like it'll ever happen),i might still...

i finally found the answer to my unwilingness to do anything to improve anything-my studies,my weight,my room even.

i don't want to grow up.like...i feel not loved enough-i want to stay like this for longer and get more love.but the thing is,my mental age is already way beyond my actual age.i can join the so-called "adult world" anytime and survive perfectly fine.

i hate this feeling.everything is messed up even more now.my room,my life,my studies,my relationships.there are too many things i've yet to enjoy as a kid,as a teenager.

and i wonder how did i even manage to grow up (mentally only) so fast.

looking back at my life right now,there's nothing much-studies,band,expectations.and all the holidays i've had were spent lazing around at home,my definition of a break.there's no life to my life whatsoever.and the effort i've put in did not give me the proportionate amount of fruits of labour.like say,band.

and so much of my life so far was taken up by it.why did i even bother?talented or not.

and here i am,struggling to keep up with studies and not seem overwhelmingly anti-social.to certain people that is.

there's more to life than this right?i know i'm a dreamer,the imaginative sort who doesn't get any work done.and reality is tying me down.too tightly for my liking.

i feel caged.

and all this,just certificates of little meaning now,as i see it.

slogged for band,struggling for studies,and at the end of the day is just a sheet of paper of an award for SMO(of little meaning to me as with the language competitions/tests in rvhs) but a truckloadful of lousy grades.

start living.how?

2009-08-17T17:09:00.002+08:00

had a heated argument today.shall not mentioned what it was about.

but it did made me think,the meaning of being a good friend,and whether there is anything called principles anymore.

define a good friend.a friend that accepts you for who you are?tolerates you?spoils you by letting you go your way and not do anything about it even if you are in the wrong?

isn't a good friend supposed to mean someone who can accept me as who i am,yet remind me,confront me even,to correct mistakes that will not be beneficial to me in any way,be it now or the future.

because she's a good friend doesn't mean you have to defend her ALL the time.defend your friend,BUT NOT BLINDLY.if she's in the wrong,and you know it,why defend her?

it's one thing to lose a superficial friend,and it's another to lose respect for being sane and SENSIBLE.saying sorry to her(not to me though)won't make you a better person.neither will it make you worse,it's just that i don't see you being sensible enough to say "i know i shouldn't have said that.AND I'LL TRY MY BEST TO TALK HER AROUND."you just said sorry for flaring up,and you don't want to lose her as a friend.

for your information,you've never seen any of my extremely heated arguments.my girlfriend only had a mild dose of it and it was scary enough.but i know she's a truly good friend for at least she bothered to point out my mistake.even if it means a large quarrel.and we became better friends.

look,some friends just ain't worth it.but then again you won't see this and i'm glad you won't.for if you did i'll just get flaming tags and huge criticisms and you will still NOT BE SENSIBLE.

and plus,if you can read this,how can i bear to question your principles?

irresponsible person plus liar.

i know it's a heavy accusation.wait,it's not even accusation.it's true,just that there are better-sounding words/phrases that are less direct and to the point.but do you have any good form of principles?

jeopardise your studies and your life for all i care,but i can't stand you for the very fact you are an irresponsible person who didn't even bother to message one of the people you know will turn up for national day celebrations that you weren't coming and someone needs to take over YOUR JOB.

in addition,the day before you promised mr chia that you will turn up because you are in-charge.

i don't care if you are a pon-star.i just care if you are a responsible person.if you do that in your workplace(i know you'll say "i wouldn't."wait,your english ain't so good.you'll say "i won't one.") let's see if your boss is as nice as mr chia to turn a blind eye to it.dropping a project you are in charge of.

but more importantly,DON'T YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR LYING?if it's a white lie i've no issues.but to lie BLATANTLY AND OUTRIGHTLY that she's at the famine camp when OBVIOUSLY SHE'S NOT AROUND,doesn't it prick your conscience?for a "friend"?

she's just a superficial clubber who's damn materialistic and a huge liar.just look at how often she says she has dental appointment just to end her day in school early.not like she wears or wore braces,and even if she did i recall my friends having only an appointment once a month.

she's immune to lying.she doesn't find it wrong,doesn't mean you should help her.

oh,and by the way,NOT ALL SINGAPOREANS HAVE TO SPEAK THE SINGAPORE WHEN WHEN THEY ARE PISSED.

i can give you a british accent,an american slang,and prc accent as well.

just so you know,these accents are innate in the way i talk.I ACTUALLY HAVE TO TRY SPEAKING LIKE A SINGAPOREAN.

plus,no matter how "act" you think i may be,i can't and am not capable of out-"acting" you.stop speaking in such a high-pitched voice thinking you are very cute/chio.oh,and you can't out-poor me.

i don't change bags as frequently,and plus whenever you get a change the bag is branded.i don't have the humongous amount of school-going shoes as you do.i don't get hello kitty pencil cases which is like bloody not worth the money.i don't do online shopping or any form of shopping like you do,which is quite frequently for you.i only do window shopping and it's like once in a while i can buy something more than $20 i'm damn happy and that's once a year.

ok face it.the only reason why you think you are poor is because you've got yourself a superbly rich friend who happened to be a bit lacking in social-sense.and i've no issues with rich people until they start complaining they are poor.

just be glad you are alive at all.

hrm.

2009-08-07T17:07:00.002+08:00

currently blogging at ps subway using girlf's lappie^^

talking about responsibilty.damn pissed with andrea.freaking irresponsible.she was in charge of the cloth montage,but she pon school so i had to do it for her instead.talk about responsiblity.she's more than just an act cute kia,she's also a bloody irresponsible.didn't even like message one of us who did go to school that she's not coming,giving us some mental preparation.freak hell.

did well for chemistry mock prelim paper 2.was 4th in class.more importantly i got 27/30.pretty good for me.^^plus i was able to do the extra questions.and these are last year's A level questions.damn high:D

happy things~camwhored with yee2,anh and pri.although they unknowingly put pressure on me(especially for physics),they are friends i can't find elsewhere in the college,in singapore.haha.

i pray for things to be fine,and that i'll do well.

掉了.

2009-08-02T19:57:00.002+08:00

this song reminds me of the book "a place called here" by cecilia ahern.why do some things just don't come back after they've gone missing?

the lyrics really pokes at my heartstrings.it really pokes,no other word can describe this feeling but 'poke'.

plus,模范棒棒堂has ended.not a huge fan,but they did brought me smiles when i'm down in the doldrums.

wells the NYCT was like...SMO the science way.wasn't even nervous.guess i don't care if i'll do well.i hope the chemistry part is not that bad,for i seriously thought i'll do average for that,showing that i'm on my way back to my original standard.haha.
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when i thought i've lost it all.

2009-07-26T20:49:00.002+08:00

THE FINALE.SCENE I.

The huge gap remains....
B:You see...other people asked me to move over so that they could sit with their section.what about you (people)?
I,C,H,T:(unison)but we are seated as a section.you just didn't join us.
B:But i sat down FIRST!!!!
I,C,H,T:still,you didn't accept our invite.
-
okay i'm a bad scriptwriter.but the rough gist i want to portray/convey(whichever way you like it)is that our much beloved section leader still subconsciously wants us to accomodate him rather than him accomdating us.just kidding.the actual thing is that he probably didn't miss us.and never would until one day he finally realises(i'll kiss the ground if this happens anytime soon) that we-teng2,idris,crosby and i-acutally did try to accomodate him.he just tore the invite.

*shrugs*

band dinner was great/good but could've been better because of the food.yes the food.and i don't care if most of the bandits liked the food.we didn't enjoy it as much.(many thanks to teng2 for inculcating in us a food critique sense.)haha.

i'll miss band dinner day,for many of us put down our differences and start to miss each other.a one-night-only thing.rare,but something totally precious that will remain etched in our memory....maybe not forever,but for the next few months.at least.

and for the j2 clarinet section,we are still harping over something.to gamble or not to gamble,that is the question.yeaps we STILL haven't have our mahjong session,and our revision session,and pizza session.but i guess we do know we'll be having it,whether it's soon or not.haha.

to the clarinet section of my batch,thanks for all the memories and i'll miss you.the laughs the tears the sarcasm the unity and you guys.farewell and let's all work hard for our end-of-years!

<3.one week only.

2009-07-21T22:14:00.004+08:00

there's a chance i might not need to go for PMT after all^^.as long as my geography is a D or better.haha.

went out with the rest of the section-batchmates,except bryan(not that idris,representing us,did not extend invitation at all),and half of our time was spend catching up on each other and the other half standing in front of sticky in the central watching them make sweets.
-
can't get along with my friends as well recently.it ain't obvious,but we all feel it.ever since the stupid social-distancing-seating.i'm feeling like i'm tumbling back into my space but i'm not disliking it.in fact i fancythis(i know i shouldn't) because i can finally take a break from everything being with them have imposed on me,and i can finally concentrate on me being me and accounting to me.no on else involved.

well to tell the truth,next to them i feel superbly inferior.i'm a slightly above average student(if i study,that is)but they are the top.the pressure is immense.the occasional time i feel on par,or even better,is when i get back the GP paper.i still fall short(usually) behind priyanka,but still i found something i'm good in without their results affecting how good i feel about my marks.

and i think they still have yet to realise that i'm not one to share my results,especially when they are good,needless to say,bad.yet like the majority,they enquire about other people's results, which annoys me,and i especially hate it by the way they rub in the fact that i did badly for this BT2,without meaning to do so.

sometimes i wish people won't compare.comparison kills.

nonetheless,i've a feeling i'll do well for prelims.i know it's too early to say anything,but this feeling and this determination is something i've not felt for nearly 2 years.now that they are back,i know it's showtime^^.
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take a break.and enjoy the scenery.

2009-07-04T20:15:00.003+08:00

2 more papers,1 more exam.

life is finally back on track.and i'm comfortable.enjoy the switch back to a normal life,but it seems to have let me become a kg heavier.haha.

love subway<3.and ghost stories session.haha.

my blog's not really visited by people.and i'm grateful.at least,for now,no more hurtful comments.haha.

changed the blog song to "アイシテル(aishiteru)" by monkey majik.

2009-07-01T20:07:00.002+08:00

my latest craze: chinese R&B songs.haha.

today's math paper wasn't too bad,yesterday's chemistry was of an unexpected difficulty(we felt for the first time the feeling we've always had for physics) and i'm just looking forward to resume normal lessons.

then i'll do well^^.haha.

will update more soon.off to recover cbox.

2009-06-28T22:45:00.002+08:00

School's starting soon,and my body clock is all screwed up.

Chemistry paper 3 tomorrow.crossing my fingers.not confident at all.will try my best.

watched a chinese(taiwanese to be exact)documentary entitled "Attitude(態度)".inspirational^^

life's a struggle if you include studies,but all else is fine,just that my body clock needs to be repaired and i don't think i recall how it feels like to hold a pen.haha.

2009-06-24T17:50:00.002+08:00

am finally done with this blogskin.it was hard recalling all the codes and stuff,and i totally regret not saving a backup for this one.

have yet to decide on an image to put on the default page.haha.

and i've still one more blog to go.a blog with wierd cs codes i've yet to understand haha.but i'm proud of myself.i still can handle this man!haha.

*encouraged*

will blog more after the 'A' levels.current goals:
-NUS FASS
-learn to fully accept myself

one could really feel time on his heels,i mean i simply couldn't imagine how fast time has past.it was like yesterday that i pride myself in being only just 17 years and half a month old,and now it's less than 6 months to my 18th birthday.

i will do well,maybe not for the upcoming block test but definitely the prelims and the 'A's and as a person-a daughter,a sister,a human-and i'm confident.it's in the attitude,then the amount of work,and then the rest is in His hands.

off to find a song for my blog.

2009-05-20T21:49:00.002+08:00

i've this dilemma.to join which alumni band?

i don't know.i've missed out a lot in sparkswinds(they've changed so much),but i still feel like playing in it.

might be because fian said that they lack clarinet players though:/

on the other hand,i would seriously like to make music with the SAB.they're good,and i believe it'll be a different musical experience.

and i've reasons not to join either of the bands,and of course,sparkswinds is losing out.yet....

i just want them to know i've made the right choice joining SAJC band for i've come out as a better musician.technically and musically.and i want them to know i didn't pangseh them.i've just taken a detour.

i need some advice.good advice.
-
wondering if i ever was a good player.

2009-05-18T22:30:00.002+08:00

i'm not as angry as i was yesterday,and i'm grateful for it.
-
i must be super wierd.like very.extremely.i don't talk in a socially expected manner,in simpler words i'm too straightforward.

but it's never the content's fault,right?

and i thought that at least my parents,or my mum in the least,would be able to ignore my tone and listen to the content as content.

it started like this.on saturday my dad repainted my room,and he just tossed my bag,which contains my wallet(amongst other stuff)and is unzipped,any-o-how.and when he pushed my bed to its original position,he trapped my wallet between the bed and the wall.

how would i know of this?i freaked out yesterday because i couldn't find my wallet.

and my parents didn't really bothered to help me search for it.instead,my mum was going nuts over my tone(which was sort of angsty and pleading and a mixture of other emotions)and was trying to start another quarrel with me.and to tell the truth,my first sentence asking them for help was in a very polite tone.

they said that it's entirely my fault that i did not zip my bag and i should not blame them for losing my wallet.arguments like this la basically.

to sum their point/s,i'm entirely at fault and i should not blame them at all.

i did not put all the blame on them anyway.i just said stuff like"i know i should have zipped my bag but you should've at least help me do so before you toss it around..."in a tone that i would now say,more anxious than any other emotion that was encompassed in it.

and when i did eventually find my wallet(no thanks to them),they say things like "see la never search properly."

like f-.you didn't even help me look for it and you aren't the person who found it anyway.

so i was pissed with them the whole of yesterday.and i feel guilty.they are my parents after all.

damn i'm such a failure.as a daughter,as a human.i'm too...flawed in character i guess.

but i don't exactly want to change to be what other people want me to be and become....the same as everyone else.i want to be me.

*silent plead*

and i could tell no one.probably because i predicted what they will they me before i even ask them for advice.and i'm anal retentive about the replies i fathomed.

*another silent plead*

but i guess.....He will guide me.somehow.but...how?
-
when silence is deafening,and hope seems to be lost,believe.

EUPHORIA!

2009-05-07T22:36:00.003+08:00

no matter what mr g said,and how we psycho-ed ourselves to think,we still care after all.A LOT.

i guess it is inborn in majority of the singaporeans,but we've come to realised that sometimes, award and skill are not in proportion.

why care about a few people?THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE GOOD.

still,i guess it took us some time to recover.no a lot.but it is definitely comforting to see real hard proof from people we don't know acknowledging our skill and musicianship on forum.this, is what matters.

this gold is definitely different from the gold i got in 2007,and means even more than the GWH in 2005.this is one medal which i want to flaunt to the whole world,because we are the best,we will the best,and the numerous comments about this medal awarded to us proves that we are the cream of the crop.

and i'm happy.more than that.words can't describe my feelings now,and i feel so stupid for crying tears of disappointment when the results were announced for AS A MUSICIAN,IT'S THE MUSICIANSHIP THAT MATTERS.

euphoria.i wish this moment lasts forever.

2009-04-27T23:55:00.002+08:00

has been super long since i last checked this blog and changed the URL,so i can run away from the conservative mind(s).

recently,actually for the past month,i was said to be together with reuben.it's like damn,now we aren't friends any more.we've been avoiding each other like nuts.i feel lonely.i need to talk,but not to chen,nor yoksan,nor anyone.

i need help.both relationships,and playing skills.

i think i'm not as good as i think i am after all.tim tay says that my tone is not as crystal as tengteng's =(

or is it just because i play with a warmer tone that's naturally darker?whether it's right,i feel that i'm no longer good.

there's no foothold for me in anywhere now.not to mention that i came out of SMO training feeling stupid-er than i already am...

and i think this feeling i have for him was psycho-ed into me.damn.

i'm in a huge mess.i need help.will anyone save me?

random

2009-02-14T20:54:00.002+08:00

-
well my guilt is gone.

after multiple sorries,getting people to make sure she's ok,venting out my feelings,and being reassured it's all over.

we're cool,fine,and back to where we've started.and i'm glad we're as far as i thought we were even though she changed a whole lot.
-
yuge has put her blog on private mode.haha i really didn't know that she's like infamous until chen lin told me.had my last bitching session on her.

she's no longer my subject of interest for bitching.in fact,i'll no longer bitch.facts will be all i say.
-
happiness-comes in the form of scoring well for general paper after my teacher told me even if i get a B,i still didn't pass his standards.

^^msa results for gp?A.70 just nice,and i scored a freaking 38 for essay!happy.i wanna tell the whole world.

shared my results for the first time since i entered teenage-hood with my mother.

did relatively well for msa.except for physics,as usual.i guess i seriously need to buck up for this subject.rank points?72.hehe i hope i can maintain this performance.
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i hate having a large section.ever since the DSAs came in,i have to balance my self with them,because it's no longer me supporting the section.there's a much more competent bass plaer,and there are 2 good 3rd clarinets.

sort of got used to the fact that the section size won't change to how it was,until today.the merit j1s joined us for practice today.

it's too tough to balance,and seriously,our dynamic contrast is shrinking due to the sheer size.especially for the trombone section.there are like...about 10 of them now.

well just my view:/
-
went to sas POP.like finally after about 3 years of knowing sas boys.

let's just say....they need to do a mic test in future first.
-

polarity

2009-02-08T11:57:00.002+08:00

even though i keep calling people wierd,i'm actually the wierdest person on earth.

i bet no one earth has such a complex character as i.damn i can't even communicate ideas.quarelled with her yesterday over my problematic character,but no matter how much i try then,i didn't feel that she could see my point.

my insecurities made me who i am,what i am,and how i am.that's was the real bottom line i guess,but i didn't manage to tell her that.how do i even tell her that all the stupid actions that i do is to protect myself at the very least?

left her a letter.she read it,but i can't tell if she has forgiven me.but i'm really truly sorry.nearly broke completely again.but i guess no matter what the religion the inner me believes in brought me through.thank you Lord for still being by my side,no matter how wierd i am,how inconsiderate to others i am,and how dead i am inside.

~~i need help.~~

j1s are here...

2009-02-05T21:38:00.003+08:00

for about a week now.

the past week is hectic,chaotic and totally utterly absolutely bimbotic.the school is overly noisy[too much noise pollution]and it is totally not conducive[sh*t i forgot the spelling]for studying.

for MSA results,i got back all 3 h2 subjects already.expected for physics,a bit of surprise for math and chemistry.now all that is left is GP and geography.if i pass both my h1,i.e. E for both subjects, my projected rank points:63.muahaha A for higher chinese is such a great help.

so far one university course finally has sparked my interest-electrical engineering.still i would love to study languages.....*twiddles thumbs*

back to work i guess.nothing much to update anyways:/

afresh

2009-01-20T19:04:00.001+08:00

a new beginning.yay.^^

feel like playing drift city again lols,but studies comes first.

ciao.